Monkey Business
by onthewayside
Summary: Some days are spent fighting off the chaos known as the Wraith, other days are spent fighting off the chaos that follows in John Sheppard’s wake. ShepWeir fun.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Stargate Atlantis…if wishes were horses and all that…

**Spoilers:** None.

**Note**: Okay,so here's an attempt at some humour (it's exam time...my mind isn't taking things seriously...).Blame my friend for this one—she compared Shep's hair to a fuzzy monkey, and out came this little piece of fluff...sigh... Like I said, don't take it seriously and I hope that it makes you laugh : ) Oh yeah, and I apologize in advance for the bad punning…

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**Monkey Business**

- - -

The flashing lights of an incoming wormhole not only interrupted her train of thought, it also managed to destroy a rather nice daydream that was just beginning to get interesting. A daydream involving warm sun, warm beaches, warm towels and a certain warm body lying beside her…

Snapping harshly back to reality, Elizabeth dropped the pen she had been absently twiddling around in her fingers and stretched out weary limbs. _I really have to get more sleep_. _Either that or take a vacation where I won't have to worry about the fate of an entire city for a day._

Fighting back a yawn, she strode into the control room, wishing she didn't feel as though she had just pulled another all-nighter. Which, of course, she had, but still…couldn't her nervous system pump her up with a shot of adrenaline, just enough to last during the remaining few hours left in her long day? Was that _really_ too much to ask?

"It's Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard," The technician announced, then swiveled in his seat to send her an amused grin. "He's early this time."

"The only time I'll stop worrying about them is when they come through the 'gate on schedule," She grumbled. "Let them through,"

She had to slap a hand over her mouth as the yawn she had been trying to stave off finally won the battle, her eyes squinty as it worked through her system. Luckily she had navigated the path from the control room to the floor of the 'gate room numerous times—so many, in fact, that she had a feeling she could do it in her sleep. _Though I'll just have to settle for semi-consciousness today._

It wasn't the eerie silence, which had suddenly befallen the 'gate room, that sparked her worry. Nor was it the fact that all activity within a hundred feet of the Stargate had ceased completely.

No, it was Rodney McKay's beaming smile that she could see, even through gritty eyes, which caused two simple utterances to run through her head.

_Uh oh._

"Rodney? Is everything okay?" She asked carefully as he all but bounded up to her with the eagerness of a kid in a candy store. "Did something happen?"

"Something happened all right," He announced with too much glee for her to take comfort in the situation. "But I think it would be best if you saw it for yourself."

Now a little more than just on edge, Elizabeth skirted around the scientist, looking directly at Teyla and Ronon. The usually composed aliens were certainly not acting normally—Teyla's bottom lip had pretty much disappeared under the top one as if she were fighting back the urge to spew something out. Ronon, on the other hand, wasn't making any effort at all. His grin was wide and laughing and it grew—if possible—in size when he saw her approach.

"Dr. Weir," He greeted more than just a bit cheerfully, and Teyla's nod was just a little too restrained to be natural.

Oh, something had gone wrong all right, but the real question was—

"Ronon, aren't you missing a coat?" She asked suddenly, startled by the realization that the tall man was missing the article of clothing. She had grown so used to seeing him travelling in it that it had become as apart of his uniform as John's aviator glasses had become of his.

Speaking of John…

John…

_Uh oh indeed._

Arching a delicate brow in her usual authoritative fashion, she looked to Teyla. At least the pretty alien seemed as though she could contain her laughter for the duration of one simple question. "And where's your commander?"

"He is right behind us," Teyla supplied mysteriously, giving her head a little jerk in the direction of the 'gate. But the wormhole had shut down just a moment ago, so where the heck…?

It was then that Elizabeth noticed three things simultaneously: Teyla and Ronon were standing awfully close together, the hem of the latter's 'missing' coat was swirling out from behind their legs, and there was what looked suspiciously like a coat-covered head suddenly peeking out over their shoulders.

She sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose to keep the ache that was threatening her head at bay until this latest problem was solved. "John, playing hide and seek isn't going to help your case, no matter what you've managed to get yourself into this time."

The coat-covered head bobbed up and she caught a brief glimpse of her second-in-command's eyes before a strange figure emerged from behind Ronon. If she hadn't seen his eyes, she never would have pegged the great monstrosity that showed itself to be the reputable Lieutenant Colonel.

Draped entirely in the depths of Ronon's coat, the figure was certainly taller than John Sheppard but the oddest shape protruded from where the top of his head should've been. Completely baffled by this odd combo, there was only one logical conclusion that she could come to—

"Carson, this is Elizabeth," She announced into the radio. "I need you in the 'gate room now. And bring some special supplies—I think John's caught another alien virus."

"I'm fine, Elizabeth, really!" came a sudden muffled reply from the interior of the coat. "I don't need a doctor."

Her eyes narrowed but she didn't radio the good doctor back. Just because John said he was fine didn't mean a thing—'understatement' was his middle name, _especially_ when it came to medical problems.

"If you don't need a doctor, then can you explain to me why you're hiding under Ronon's coat?"

Only a suspicious silence emanated from the cloaked figure, and Elizabeth shot a speculative look at his team. They all smiled knowingly—Rodney's grin a little more than satisfied—none of them making any sort of move to help.

Well, at least she could be comforted by the fact that if John were dying, his team would probably be doing a little more to assist him. But something was still wrong, and she needed to get to the bottom of it before she really did fall asleep on her feet.

Stifling another yawn, she checked her watch and decided that enough was enough. The city wasn't going to run itself while she was busy playing peek-a-boo with her ranking military officer.

"Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard, if you do not remove the coat this instant, then I will be forced to do it for you."

Something under the material twitched. Rolling her eyes, she crossed her arms over her chest, dreading the appearance of the result of this latest mission.

"One…"

Another twitch, and the hands holding the edges slackened a little, enough to expose one of his eyes.

She directed her glare at the eye, unsmiling. "Two…"

The edges gave way again, and two clothed, human legs were exposed, as were the beginnings of a human torso.

Wondering if Sheppard's mental age had suddenly regressed to that of a three-year-old as well, she narrowed her glare. "I'll give you one more second before half the base witnesses their leader stripping down her second-in-command."

"You wouldn't dare!" He challenged, still somewhat securely covered by his protective blanket.

_Fine._ If this was how he wanted to play, then she'd just have to adjust to his playground rules. Reaching out, she made to grab the coat and tear it away, bracing for a hefty game of tug-of-war in the process, but was stopped short as John decided he was finally going to take some responsibility in the matter. Either that or he had simply accepted his fate and had decided that if he had to go down in humiliation, he would at least do it with some flare.

Knowing him, it was most definitely that last alternative, but just as she was coming up with a stern reprimand on how _not_ to waste a leader's time, the truth of the whole matter was suddenly revealed.

The coat swirled to the ground with a flourish, but no one noticed it hit the ground. An entire armada of Wraith hive ships could've been playing a riveting game of Tag through the 'gate room, and no one would've even batted an eyelash. They were all too busy staring at a certain ranking commander, most likely taking a mental photograph so they could spread the story around to the others who had been unfortunate enough to miss out on it.

The leader of the city wasn't quite as excited by the sight. In fact, she didn't really know how to react.

Elizabeth blinked once.

Twice.

Then closed her eyes momentarily, rubbing them slowly with the palm of her hands.

_Just breathe…keep breathing…in…and out…_

Maybe she had imagined it—she was overworked, stressed and severely lacking in sleep. Surely that kind of combination played around with the mind. Maybe it was just a random hallucination…maybe everyone was really staring at a Wraith, and she was just seeing things differently because of her foggy, muddled brain.

But she wasn't so far gone in the world of sleep deprivation that she actually believed anything that she had just tried to reason out. So with one final deep breath, she removed her face from her hands, straightened her shoulders and looked John Sheppard straight in the eye.

"John."

He calmly crossed his arms over his chest. "Elizabeth."

"Is it…is that an animal?"

"Yep."

She narrowed her eyes. "And is it really attached to your head?"

"It used to be on my shoulder, but apparently big furry mops don't like the Stargate, so it decided it needed to find higher ground. Consequently, Doctor, it is now attached to my head. Any more brilliant observations?"

Ignoring his sarcasm, she tried to get a good look at the creature, but it seemed pretty shapeless with only its fluffy head poking out from the bundle of fur and a long tail curled around the base of its host's neck.

Great, now she was not only fighting the urge to yawn, but to curl up in a dark corner somewhere and laugh like a maniac.

Sighing, she gazed pointedly to the top of John's head. "So is it alive?"

The look he sent her in return could've pulverized rock. "Hmm. Let me see. Well, the sharp little claws that keep digging into my scalp and the tail around my neck that keeps tightening too—sort of like a furry noose—kind of make it seem like its still living. Could just be your good old fashioned death spasms though."

She was almost, _almost_ tempted to just let the poor creature strangle the man. It would certainly save her a lot of trouble of having to do it herself later on. But the thought of the mounds of paperwork she'd have to work through to explain _that_ particular death was too much to bear.

"Look, we can play twenty questions for the next hour, or you can simply explain to me how you managed to end up with a monkey on your head." "It's not a monkey." 

From what she could see, save for the large orange eyes and fluffy pointed ears, it certainly looked like it had descended from the ape variety. "It looks like a monkey to me."

"It's not, really. It's a…a…" He glanced helplessly to his team. Ronon's grin widened, Rodney smirked at him, and Teyla, whether out of pity or amusement, finally gave in.

"The villagers called them Kimpari. They believe they are a sacred animal of their deities, and are said to be messengers to the heavens if ever the village is in a time of need," Teyla supplied in her usual direct manner, proving that once again she was the only one on her team who had cared to listen. "The leader of the village mentioned stories of the Kimpari alerting the villagers to impending disasters by taking shelter in the village houses hours before the disaster hit. For this, the villagers make sure that the Kimpari are well fed and protected from any acts of violence."

"There are reports of animals on Earth who could sense when an earthquake or a tornado was coming. It's interesting to see that animal behaviour transcends galaxies." She then sent John a pointed glance. "But that doesn't explain how a Kimpari ended up stuck to your head."

"He kind of took a liking to me," was his so very thorough explanation, followed by a shrug that was greatly hindered by the giant tail around his neck. If this situation hadn't happened on one of her more exhausting days, Elizabeth had a feeling she would've been on the floor by now, crying from hysterics.

Teyla took it upon herself to explain further, exchanging an exasperated glance with Dr. Weir. "The villagers said that occasionally a Kimpari would take to a visitor, usually someone from another village, and choose to travel with them. When this occurred, the villagers viewed it as a sign from their gods that the visitor could be accepted. They believe that it is a blessing, and that by taking the Kimpari with them, the visitor will be protected in all of their travels."

"No wonder it attached itself to you then," Elizabeth mused as she turned back to her second-in-command. "You're practically begging for a good luck charm, especially with your skills at getting into trouble."

"Ha ha," John quipped sardonically. "See thing-on-head? That's what we call a funny lady."

She smirked. "I try. Now how about we cut back on the sarcasm and try to get the nice animal out of your hair. "

"First a joke, and now a pun." He gaped in feigned shock. "The woman's a walking laugh riot."

"At least I don't look like a portable zoo exhibit," She retorted, then looked around as she suddenly realized that their banter was being witnessed by an amused group of Atlanteans, all of whom were sporting knowing grins on their faces. Biting back a smile of her own, she turned to the amassed crowd. "All right everyone, show's over! You can visit John's Sheppard's new friend once it's off his head!"

The group casually dispersed, but not before a few more stares were shot in his direction. Teyla and Ronon left with a shake of their heads and laughter glimmering merrily in their eyes, having already had a good lasting dose of seeing their commander in his current situation. And she couldn't be too sure, but she swore she heard Rodneymutter something along the lines of"Fuzzy Wuzzy was a Colonel..."while he waved good-bye, a gloating smirk still on his face as he departed.

Amidst sniggers, chuckles and all out guffaws that echoed throughout the suddenly noisy room, John inched closer to his favourite leader of Atlantis, his voice dropping to a lower tone to further dissuade any more staring. "I missed you."

This time she didn't hesitate to grin. "I missed you too."

Waggling a brow—a feat that looked especially ridiculous since his brow disappeared into a mass of dark brown fluff—he flashed her his trademark grin. "So, your place or mine tonight?"

"Neither." At his disappointed pout, she pointed blatantly upward. "I'm not sleeping with you while you have a monkey on your head."

"I thought we already covered this. It's not a monkey."

"That has nothing to do with it. It would be…disturbing."

"When you declared your undying love for me, I sort of figured you'd be able to love me no matter what. Even _if_ I had an animal on my head."

"When I said I loved you, I meant that I can love you and any new friends you manage to pick up along the way. I just won't _sleep_ with you."

" 'Lizabeth…" He groaned, and if it wasn't for the phosphorescent orange eyes glowing above his, she would have softened a little more at the pleading expression on his face.

But until that monkey…er, Kimpari, was removed, he would have to deal with the consequences.

"You know, we could always keep a blanket over it," John provided thoughtfully. "You'd never even know it was there."

"And what? Suffocate the thing? Besides," She continued, a sly grin gracing her features. "I happen to get a kick out of running my hands through your hair. You wouldn't want to deprive me of that, would you?"

"You're driving me crazy, evil woman," He growled, a familiar glint in his eyes.

Chuckling, she put a restraining hand on his chest as he advanced. "Down boy—not in front of the impressionable audience."

"It's not like they haven't all walked in on us at one point in some compromising position or another," He scoffed, batting her hand away as he closed the gap between them. "I heard there's a pool on which closet we'll turn up in next."

"Whatever keeps morale up," She joked, but he did have a point—three days had been an awful long time to wait for him. And monkey-thing or no, she needed a little bit of a prelude to their future activities, just for her own health purposes of course. It was amazing what his kisses could do to a sleep-fogged brain.

"I can think of a few things you can keep up," John murmured suggestively, his hands capturing her shoulders as he pulled her in for a short, sizzling smooch that would guarantee her knocking at his door tonight, monkey or no monkey.

A steamy kiss that was interrupted before it ever began, mostly because Carson decided to arrive on cue, with a loud exclamation of "What in _God's name_ is on yer head, man?"

With a lamenting sigh, Elizabeth relinquished her second-in-command to the concerned doctor—who spent the first few minutes coughing strangely whilst he examined his two patients as she reiterated what Teyla had told her. The doctor wiped at something suspicious in his eyes, then declared that the infirmary was the best place to go. He then tried to explain that he would have to devise a safe method of extracting the animal from John's scalp, but his speech was hindered by an apparent clogged throat and so she only managed to get a brief idea about what method he was going to use.

She ignored John's wistful pleading look, giving her clearance for Dr. Beckett to haul his new patients away. Rubbing the back of her neck, she shook her head as she followed Carson and John to make sure man, alien, and doctor were going to come out of the experience in one piece.

_Just another day in Atlantis_, she reflected with a tired shake of her head. _Never without a good old dose of insanity, chaos and always that added helping of…well…monkey business._

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End file.
